i am unyielding about many things and this — honesty, is but one of them. especially self-honesty. i cannot trust my own memories this most recent session with my therapist… what can i trust? what is stable? i’m uncertain of reality again. the last time i felt this so viscerally i shut down. is thisContinue reading

this self is clumsy and uncertain, a little reckless, though of a different texture. to open my mouth and ask for what i want, simply. to open my mouth and say how i feel, simply. without trying to pre-empt responses, without trying to consider on another’s behalf, simply simply simply. i will make mistakes, ofContinue reading

to look towards the future, together. i return to a time when i listened closely to myself, when noise music was my soundscape the moment i wake. a time of refusal, a time of being so in tuned with my internal shifts i have no energy for anything external. a time of being selectively mute.Continue reading

this morning i am thinking about ferocity.

a brace. i am learning how to identify and relearn the micro movements of my own muscles. it feels like a slight twinge of cold and an increased sense of structural integrity that anticipates blows. i remember this feeling well, in my early teens, when touch was unbearable. any sudden movement and i would flinch.Continue reading

grief compounds. each time as if for the first time sharp sliver needle thin between each joint. a little wild. i am wild with grief, wild sprouts haphazard deep between within sternum. grief is an extension of love. an extension expansion i crumple into a tight ball holding myself together for fear of disintegration. forContinue reading

the moon now in aquarius. a swivel, fixed. when i think aquarius i think of an expansion rooted deep in the ribs of this earth. i think of the water bearer, holding pouring. i forgot what i had wanted to say, but i know i want to say something. there are many constant threads thatContinue reading

https://open.spotify.com/embed/track/0rkKoFtgXTBSy8MLtwYPmc i wrote an entire resonant chunk but it didn’t save, and it feels like an exorcism. that perhaps those words weren’t supposed to be archived, materialised. this song, its lyrics… the words escape me now, only a really really complex tight knot of affect remains. the contours of a memory i typed with suchContinue reading

morning hazy with skin sensitive to every thread on my sheets and left arm aching. my body is fighting overtime now, with the second dose of hollow cells. i think it’s a fever, but i can’t be sure. this heat pooling under my right arm resting on a bolster, this throbbing slow in my head.Continue reading

for about two months now, since i’ve returned to singapore from taiwan, i’ve had drafts upon drafts of thoughts i’d wanted to post on this space. for about two months now, i kill those drafts or let them sit unseen because they didn’t feel enough. i’m sick of feeling like this world is inhabitable andContinue reading